• About
  • Blog (Ext.)
  • BOOKS
    • AURELIUS
    • GET OUT!
    • JUDGING ATHENA
    • Perrin On Politics
    • SOLD OUT
    • The Happy Little Cigar Book
    • THE SUBSTITUTE
  • Contact
  • Education Resources
  • News Links

PERRIN LOVETT

~ Deo Vindice

PERRIN LOVETT

Category Archives: Other Columns

Columns concerning any and everything. Enjoy!

Tales From The Gym

14 Sunday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on Tales From The Gym

Tags

cardio, EFC, gym, injury, lessons, punching bag, Rule 33-7

While the rest of the world debated the application of Rule 33-7, I dragged myself to the gym today.  Over the past week I have beaten myself to a pulp.  Today was supposed to be an off day but somehow I found myself at EFC. 

Everything is going great.  My weight has been a constant 187 for a few weeks now.  My last two pair of pants are in danger of falling off.  I would feel great except for several gym-related injuries.  Last week I overdid the weights and, as a result, I have a sharp pain in both my shoulders and in my forearms at the elbow.  My knuckles are sore and my wrist is sprained thanks to the punching bag.  Actually, the sprain came from poor form on the punching bag.  But, when a 100-pound bag of sand has you in a corner, you swing away with abandon.

Master Starks and old buddy Derek will certainly appreciate the lesson learned here – a bad form injury leads to better form in the future.  It all works out for the good.  The other injuries are good too; they are proof I’m doing something right, if a bit too much too fast.

Back to the bag: I see others gingerly tapping away sometimes.  They throw cute, fast flurries of “punches” insufficient to budge the sandman.  Not me.  When I hit, I hit to harm.  When I kick, it can be fatal – at least to bags.  The afore-mentioned ass-kickers will recall long ago when I sheared the half-inch steel bolt holding up a bag clean off.  The bag slammed into an i-beam and fell dead on the floor.  That required a lot of power.  Cute and power don’t usually reside near each other.  Anyway, I ramble…

slug

(I felt sluggish… Google.)

Today when I arrived at the gym I had pre-decided against any martial arts.  As my upper body felt like diseased jello I figured a leg routine was in order.  It wasn’t.  It seems I have another bad form injury from a sidekick which has left one leg in a drastically weakened state.  Also, no matter what I did everything else hurt too.  After flopping around helplessly for half an hour and watching some 20ish year-old girl demonstrate convincingly the benefits of “kick-backs,” I headed up stairs. 

There I discovered that even crunches hurt places they ordinarily would not.  That left me with one option – cardio.  So, I limped over to an elliptical machine and, after great effort, placed myself thereon.  Then, for some unknown reason, energy kicked in.  I ellipted away for a whole hour and over 700 calories.  It may have been an all-time best for me (especially given my status). 

When I finished I had enough power to crawl to the inverter and teetered there for about ten blissful minutes.  A long steam and a shower later and I felt a whole lot better.  It’s two hours after the fact (and after lunch) and I still feel good!  That, friends, is the power of fitness! 

Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll go for my usual early workout.  Maybe I’ll be back in tip-top condition.  Maybe I’ll just sleep in and load up on Advil.  I know for certain there will be coffee.

I Get Spam

12 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on I Get Spam

Much as David Letterman gets letters, I get spam.  This does not include comments from any of you, dear readers.  These are wacky emails from people selling crap or trying to con me into (or out of) something or attempting to hack my computer.  I check all of these missives for the few real comments which get inappropriately grouped in with the other crap.  The rest I usually delete.  I decided to share of few of the most recent fishing hooks with you, along with my hypothetical responses.  Without any further ado, here are the … Tales from the spam filter…

From Uncover the Truth About Someone: “Wonderful work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the internet. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my website . Thanks =)”

My Response: Well gee, it’s getting to when I google some generic items, I get my own articles on the subject – high on the list of sites.  My site pops right up when searched for.  As for your site, I think I’ll pass.  Thanks.  Delete!

From Your Confidential Background Check Bobbii: “Thanks for all of your efforts on this site. My mother takes pleasure in conducting research and it is obvious why. Many of us learn all of the lively medium you produce both useful and interesting tricks by means of this web site and as well as recommend contribution from website visitors about this theme and our favorite child is studying a whole lot. Take advantage of the remaining portion of the year. You’re performing a very good job.”

My Response: Bobbii??  I’m happy your mother likes research.  My mother enjoys gardening.  I am also relieved you find my tricks interesting.  I turn em for free, after all!  Your favorite child has a recommended medium?  Lost me there.  Delete!

From htc Themes: “I appreciate, cause I found exactly what I used to be taking a look for. You’ve ended my 4 day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye” 

My Response:  Four days!?  Dammit, son!  Glad I could help.  Is “htc” the same as “thc?”  Delete!

From Elmira Throne (a course facilitator…): “This was a actually very excellent publish. In theory I’d prefer to write like this also – getting time and actual effort to make a wonderful piece of writing… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to obtain a thing done.” 

My Response: I theoretically excellent publish very.  The things done I obtain are – what can I say – excellent publish.  Delete!

From Penis Enlargement: “Hunt fore to city solon. Large blog article.More thanks again. Major.”

My Response: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…  Delete!  As if…

From Georgiann: “You need targeted traffic to your website so why not try some for free? There is a VERY POWERFUL and POPULAR company out there who now lets you try their traffic for 7 days free of charge. I am so glad they opened their traffic system back up to the public! Sign up before it is too late: [uncited website].”

My Response: And, after 7 days, they bill me a $1000 and use my server to conduct European corporate espionage?  I’m too UNPOPULAR.  Sorry.  Delete!

From Tennille Polizio: “The problem is how many people can relate. Since I am “out of touch” I have yet to figure out which posts will get a lot of comments and which won’t. In fact, usually when I write what I think is a great post”

My Response:  I can relate!  Being out of touch I … the Polizios of East BFE??? Well, write great post!  Delete!

From money choice: “Hello very nice blog!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful . . I’ll bookmark your site and take the feeds additionally? I’m satisfied to search out a lot of helpful information here in the submit, we need work out extra strategies on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .”

My Response: . . . . . . . . . .  Guy?  Do you know the origins of “Guy?”  You calling me a “Guy” like I’m beneath you, MF’er??? I’m satisfied after several cups of coffee early in the morning, know what I mean?  You keep the strategies.  Delete!

From Suereuhfeem: “Привет!У меня есть хорошая новость Тогда читайте новость – [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений sumy.ua , [cite?] – Бесплатная доска объявлений г.Сумы, bazar.sumy.ua , [cite?] – доска объявлений г.Сумы и [cite?] [cite?] – доска bazar.sumy.ua или [cite?] – Добавить объявление Бесплатная доска г.Сумы … Удачи Всем!”

My Response:  Uhhhhhh? Delete.

From Penis Enlargement (a multi-spamer!!): “Thanks for other large accumulation. Where added could anyone get that write of substance in much an nonsuch way of work? I possess a presentment succeeding period, and I am on the see for specified info.”

My Response: I think I know where this “large accumulation” and “substance” stuff is going.  I possess a proclamation descending exclamation, we may over the tree for generic generality.  Delete!

I tolerate all of this abuse and more in order to bring to you, the beloved reading public, the best ravings any madman ever ranted.  Honestly, I foresee funny much over for writing substances Gobblededy gooppey looopey loofus.  Agreed and we will share commencement for all future interactive proclivity?  Hee, hee…..

Random Notes

08 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in News and Notes, Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on Random Notes

Happy 101st post!  Happy Masters’ Week and welcome to Augusta, world.  Don’t buy from scalpers who are not smoking or drinking – likely undercovers…

Billy Payne announced today that next year, on the Sunday before the tournament, the National will host a youth golf tournament of sorts.  There will be year-round qualifications across the country, culminating with a visit to the finest course on earth.  If you have a young golfer, get them involved.  If you own a hotel on Washington Road, you get to jack up the rates a day or so early.  Win-win.

The world mourns the loss of Baroness Margaret Thatcher today.  The Iron lady was 87.  She was one of the four people probably most responsible for the end of the Soviet Union; she is pre-deceased by Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul, II, only Mikhail Gorbachev remains from that club.

This weekend I hit the gym extra hard, I’m paying for it right now.  Saturday I worked the fire out of my arms.  I broke a personal record!  Yesterday it was back and chest.  I was already feeling sore when I reported back to the crazy room this morning for more torture.  You guessed it, arms and back.  Ha, ha, ha…  After that I stepped up to the punching bag for 15 or so minutes (even brought my own gloves).  Fortunately, when I was finished I discovered a massage therapist was working compliments of EFC (another reason to love the place).  Saturday they had complimentary pineapple chicken.  The chicken was excellent but I prefer the massage. 

While I was in the funny massage chair the girl remarked that I had a lot of muscle mass to get through.  I like remarks like that.  I also dropped another pound, landing at 187.  My body mass index has fallen from the low-end of the “obese” category to the low-end of “overweight.”  However, I have cut my body fat to about 13% (Lord knows what it was – I estimate 30% or so) – that’s in the “athletic” range.  Accordingly, I do not mind being a little “overweight” since it’s all muscle.  I’m just getting started.

If I can successfully incorporate boxing/martial arts into the program, I may call it The Batman Workout, unless that would infringe a copyright or something. 

More to come soon.

Questions and Comments 4/6/2013 **100th Post!**

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in News and Notes, Other Columns

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

100 posts, 911, bacteria, bikinis, blog, buffet, churches, CIA, Cuba, drives, Easter, fat, God, gym, Hooters, jail, Karl Marx, lies, Miguel Jimenez, NFL, PGA, Secret Service, Snufus, stupid, time machine, Un

This is the 100th post here at the old blog!  Let’s have a party!

balloons

(Woo Hoo!! Google Images.)

Even with the 100 posts, I’ve only used a little less than 1% of my existing space here so the party will continue for many years.  I will be going “pro” soon, with major upgrades, which I think include even more memory.  Look forward to a lifetime of Perrin’s mad rants.

You may have gathered that yesterday’s post was cut short in mid draft.  It was; I wrapped it up where it was and published.  The legal profession called and I had to answer.  Two of my friends learned the hard way why you never want to call 911 nor talk to the police.  I spent the afternoon trying unsuccessfully to have a warrant recalled and the night getting someone out of the Government Hotel.  I got home from the jail (and the grocery store…) around midnight.  Do not talk to the police!  They arrest people.

When I arrived at Casa Lovett I found a visitor sleeping in the kitchen.  For a week our family is hosting Snuffus, the Guinea Pig, from my daughter’s class.  I was informed this morning that he is a she and is not named Snufus.  I like “Snufus” but I will call her a her from now on.  I’ll try to post some pictures.  Does anyone have any good stew recipes???

Well, I thought you might have some weekend questions and I happen to have a bunch of comments.  I also have some questions of my own.  Heeeere we go:

If fat makes you mad, that might explain why Young Un is the maddest SOB in North Korea.  Ehhh?

The South Korean press reports that dear leader Kim J. UnUsual cuts his own hair … with a sling-blade.

Little Kimmy reportedly said when he grows up he wants to be the communist idol of his dreams, Barry Sotoro.

Anyone know what the range of hampster-wheel powered ICBMs is?

If Krazy K. actually nuked Washington, D.C., would anyone miss it?

Would we be obliged to give him a medal or a gym membership?

What’s the uproar about these four gay football players?  The whole NFL has been “out” for several years now…

NFL commissioner Roger Goodywell has decreed the game will no longer involve contact; accordingly, they have ordered several thousand pink flags.

Lauren Silberman admitted she “threw” her kicking audition upon learning none of the cute guys at the combine were straight.

Starting next year the Super Bowl will be henceforth known as the “Stellar Stupendous Basin Thingy.”

Mike Rice, recently relieved of his job, has also been banned from all NFL stadiums for life.

Bubba “General Hover Lee” Watson is the Thomas Edison of the PGA.

Michael Phelps has taken up golf; he wants his clubs measured by ounces or grams, not simple numbers.

The Augusta “Big Tent” Hooters hosts TWO!! bikini contests Masters week.  Did you know that?

Miguel Angel Jimenez is the manliest man to ever grace a golf course!  Any dispute?  Good.

Miguel-Angel-Jimenez-cigar_2637345

(The. Man.  You can’t hang, go home.  Google.)

Bill Clinton has founded the Young Beaver Cigar Company, with the logo: “Smoke a Beaver!”

You secretly like old Bill, don’t you?

Little Barry started smoking cigars, Alec Bradley’s to be exact, instead of cigarettes; he abruptly stopped when he realised it’s the “Maxx” not the “Marx.”

Barry’s native village witch doctor has successfully contacted Karl Marx in hell via a séance.  He is expected to join the cabinet soon as an economic analyst.

With Obama, Biden, and Kerry at the helm, why worry about North Korea?

Urban Moving Systems is back in business.  Their new jingle is called We Move at Free Fall Speed. 

In related news, Larry Silverstein has leased and quintuple insured the Sears Tower.

Any truth to the rumor Benedict Arnold was a CIA provocateur?

A forty-story skyscraper in Chechnya completely burned on all floors last week without collapsing neatly into its own footprint at free fall speed.  The entire Chechnyan people have been declared terrorists.

If a poor goat-herder stumbles upon a poppy plant and there are no CIA agents around, is he still an enemy combatant?

If you believe anything the government reports, please email me for your $1000 100th post gala tickets (no refunds).

Is it only that Democrats from California are ugly, or does being a California Democrat make you ugly?

Dianne Feinstein is so ugly, roaches use her picture to scare away pests.

Removing Republicans from the statistics raises the average I.Q. thirty points, while curing “Low-T” completely.

Whatever became of the GOP “Wide Stance” Club??

In response to the recent bribe scandal in New York, Michael “Soda Jerk” Bloomberg has banned pepperoni pizzas…

Mark Sanford was nominated this week for a South Carolina Congressional Seat but was unable to comment.  Seems he was hiking on the AT.

Bill Clinton also announced he was going hiking at the same time.  A conspiracy?

Why does the Secret Service redact the Argentine sex-offenders list?

John Boehner says he will keep smoking but is expected to cave later.

Jay Z can stay in Cuba but I want Beyonce back … with Partagas Serie Ds.

The bigger she gets, the more Kim Kardashian reminds me of Michelle O.  See it?

If America gets any more obese, will we have to make AlGore our King?

I saw a fat chick in the gym this morning.  Just kidding.

The Golden Trough buffet chain has announced they will replace the bacteria ridden chocolate fountain with a pure fat waterfall.

Bigger King executives wanted to introduce a Quadruple Whooper but they couldn’t configure enough defibrillators in their restaurants.  Darn physics…

The Miss America Padgett will have to reinforce the stage to prevent a collapse if trends continue.  They will also have to replace the swimsuit round with a car cover round.

Given the demand and Medicare reimbursements, Freightliner and Volvo trucks have announced they will stop producing semis and switch their assembly lines to fat scooter production.

46% of American drivers report confusing the brake and gas petals though all report they can deftly drift lanes while cellphone jibbering.

Given American road traffic, why not spare us the obsolescence of accelerators?

People need governments, like governments needs guns.

If guns kill people, how did Abel die?

The car wash manager asked me to keep my pistol in the car as it offended and frightened his resident panhandlers and muggers.

A fat ugly woman at an anti-gun rally said she would rather be raped than shoot a rapist.  As if she’d have the chance.

Did Barack Obama intend the greatest gun salesman in history?

When asked to identify North Korea on a map, 50% of American high school students responded they though math was discriminatory.

Should American high schools just as well replace graduations with sentencings?

A third grader who brought a butter knife to school in her lunch box was arrested when it was discovered she could spell.

Will you really trust your government-educated grandchildren to change your diapers and manage your affairs in a few years?

The government has tentatively discovered a way to re-employ younger Americans in factories so as to shore up Social Security for baby boomers.  Does anyone know where they can come by a time machine?

Do all traffic intersections play hip hop music nowadays or is it a mass coincidence?

American churches reported the lowest level of Easter services attendance in history recently.  When asked if He was concerned, God said it was just as well.

If pollen was a source of fuel and food, we’d be set for millenia.

And lastly,

Who the heck is Honey Boo Boo?  And, do the Republicans plan to put her on Jeb’s 2016 ticket?

That’s all for this afternoon.  Thanks for 100 great readerships.  Keep up the good work and I will too!

Ten More Things For A Happier Life

04 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

advice, camping, Cassandra, change, clutter, fast food, fat, fish, garden, hiking, hobby, hypnosis, insurance, loafing, mind, money, nature, NFL, pink, sissies, sleep, trades, Troy, useless, Who Moved My Cheese?

I like making these lists.  Many of these ideas I have tried to put into practice, some just come to me and I share them with you so we can implement them together.  Let’s see what I have today…

1. Less is More

My favorite Priest and George Carlin did the same stand-up routines about people and their “stuff,” not sure you copied whom.  Anyway, modern people have an over-abundance of things, items, and stuff weighting them down like anchors.  Clean out the clutter!  Here’s how to do it: look around your home and see what items you have not used in the past six months.  By and large, those are things you just don’t need.  I have never been a pack-rat but about a year and a half ago I had the opportunity to look through most of the things I owned.  I got rid of the majority of them.  Now, I’m happier and I never miss anything I scraped.  You’d be amazed at the things people will buy from you.  Sell what you can, donate as much as you can, and can the rest.  Once you start, it is very easy.  Get rid of all the unnecessary stuff in your life.  Then, see number five, below.

2. Get Back to Nature.

First I recommended walking around, then hiking.  What I’m referring to here is more than just taking a hike.  It means slowing down and enjoying the natural world around you.  Modern conveniences are great at times, but they usually lack a human feel.  To reconnect with the world just try sitting quietly outside.  Look around, count squirrels.  After your hike, pitch a tent and camp out.  Cook over a fire.  At home, plant a garden and eat what you grow.  It’s better for you and gives you something to do that makes you feel truly accomplished.  It’s pretty easy too. 

backyard-vegetable-garden

(Play in the dirt!  Google.)

3. Take Some Time Off to do Nothing

People rush around like rats in a maze nowadays.  That may be the life for some but I figure there’s more to life than just rushing.  Usually, folks only stop their day-to-day madness for a specific event – a sick day, vacation, or some special event.  I say, just every once in a while, take a day to do nothing.  Call in sick one day and spend it loafing.  Odds are, you need it.  Time off refreshes the brain and will enable you to tackle your chores with greater vigor – tomorrow.  Americans, despite chronic unemployment and diminishing incomes, are still the hardest working people on earth.  Reward yourself with a little “you” time.

4. Start a Hobby With a Useful Skill

Everyone has a job – teacher, architect, lawyer, driver, etc.  Imagine, if you will, that one day the world changes and your profession is no longer in need.  Then what?  Wouldn’t it be great to have something else to fall back on?  Pick a trade or hobby that will always be in demand (gardening/farming, sewing, carpentry, etc.) and add it to your vocational repertoire.  You’ll learn something, have fun, and have an edge if things change – they always do.

5. Give up Something You Don’t Need

Yes, this is kind of related to number one but, instead of letting go of a physical thing, give up something you do that really isn’t that important to your life.  You’ll improve yourself thereby.  Over the past ten years or so I’ve been trying as hard as possible to put as much distance between myself and our idiotic popular culture as I can.  I have no interest in vapid celebrities, boring television, statist-organized movies, and music which is really just noise with a price tag.  With the exceptions of watching golf and the Dawgs, I have stopped paying attention to all competitive sports which do not involve me cranking a reel, squeezing a trigger, or physically improving myself.  Recently, I decided to cut my last tie with professional sports (excepting golf) by giving up pro football.  The NFL is no longer a sport, now it’s a soap opera with injuries, time-outs, the TSA, and pink everywhere.  I don’t need to watch overpaid prima donnas clad in pink play a child’s game for four hours.  I’d rather smoke a cigar, pump iron, or fry the fish I catch.  Besides, pro sports were specifically engineered by the elite as our “bread and circuses” in order to keep us pacified.  I’m not easy to pacify and impossible to control.  Rebel against something!

pink

(So manly. Not.  Google.)

6. Spare Someone the Advice

Most people do not listen to your advice, solicited or otherwise.  If they do, they usually ignore it.  This even happens if they pay you for your advice – I know all about this.  Note: I am in no way talking about great blogs here…  Cassandra was the Princess of Troy.  She constantly gave advice and made predictions.  Despite being correct 100% of the time, no-one ever listened to her.  Don’t be Cassandra.  People will usually do as they will, it’s their nature.  Let them be.

7. Re-Evaluate Where You Stand

Where are you?  Who are you?  Are you a middle-aged man in a small, crapulent city you hate?  Do you always vote for a particular party of ticks just because they’re “your party?”  Going to school because you can’t think of anything else to do?  Sounds like it’s time to do some soul-searching and maybe make a change.  Change is good.  Read Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, http://www.amazon.com/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0399144463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365124623&sr=8-1&keywords=who-moved-my-cheese, do understand why.  If what you’re doing isn’t working for you, stop.  If it is, rejoice and continue.

8. Cut the Processed Food

I lost 50 pounds of unsightly fat (probably more setting aside muscle gain) in the past 6 months.  Part of my plan, which I didn’t really plan, was to stop eating out and to eat unprocessed or fresh foods at home.  It just happened for me and the results are astounding.  Fast food is loaded with fat, grease, poisonous additives, and carbohydrates (which turn into fat).  It also costs a lot of money.  A burger or ice cream every now and then is okay.  It won’t hurt your diet and, in moderation, tastes the way it’s supposed to.  Try replacing half of your processed/fast food intake for a week and see what happens.  I think you’ll thank me the week after.

9. Check Your Insurance

We insure ourselves against everything these days.  Part of this is common sense, part of it is peer pressure, and part of it is a reaction to all the fear we’re force-fed by society.  For instance, “they” say everyone needs life insurance in case one dies leaving behind obligations.  This might be true.  But, what if you have no obligations and no dependents?  Who benefits then from all those monthly premium payments?  And, in that case, should you die, why care about what happens to the world when you’re gone – you’re gone!  Also, if you have accumulated sufficient personal assets to cover any post-demise incidentals, what’s the point in giving some unregulated bank your money?  Check your situation and see if you really need that policy.  Or, any kind of policy.  See if you could save money by switching companies or cutting back on services you don’t need.  And, always remember – insurance companies are in business to take your money, period.  If a time comes when they have to pay out, they will avoid it at all costs.  Plan your coverage accordingly.

10. Hypnotize Yourself

providence_hypnosis_ri

(Crazy but true.  Google.)

This sounds a little wackier than my usual rambles but it’s possible, it works, and it will help you.  It relates to many of my previous points.  The problem is, I can’t exactly explain how to do it.  That’s up to you and your brain.  Really, it’s just psychological conditioning, I suppose.  I have mastered the ability to command or trick my brain into ceasing all worry, any negative thoughts, or any conscious processes I wish to halt for the time being.  This is great a bed time when the mind is still in high gear.  I order it to stop, it stops.  I then order my body to sleep, I sleep.  Perhaps someday I will master the science of relaying the process.  Until then, remember that if i can do it, so can you – without instructions.  Try one night when you can’t sleep and you’re out of NyQuil.

As always, pass these along if you care.  Try to come up with great suggestions of your own (in spite of seeming like a Cassandra).  Sleep long and prosper!

Perrin’s Exercise Routine One

30 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on Perrin’s Exercise Routine One

Tags

arms, bicepts, deltoids, forearms, neck, shoulders, tricepts, weights

Okay, this is the first of my series on how I exercise to perfect athletic perfection.  Yeah, that works.  This has nothing to do with nutrition and dieting, which is critical to my program.  I’ve covered those before and may come up with a comprehensive or condensed approach later.  This is about getting physical – where the muscle meets the dumbbells.  Here goes:

Nothing herein should be considered professional exercise advice.  Like my legal education columns, that’s what this is – my experiences in the gym based on what works for me.  If and when you get started, first seek out the professional advice of a physician and/or and trainer.  Having said that, I was once a certified personal trainer and I used to bodybuild, powerlift, run and do martial arts, so my knowledge is grounded in solid facts.  Also, consider that what works for me may not be perfect for you.  Modify all my plans according to your requirements.

Generally, I have four daily routines: 1) arms and shoulders; 2) back and chest; 3) legs; and 4) cardio and resting.  I vary these up as I feel necessary but I usually keep the rotation the same.  Herein, I will outline day one.

Day one, as all days is really divided into five parts.  First, there’s the weight session, which I’ll get to (day one wise) in a moment.  Second, I work my “core” every day.  Core means the muscles of the stomach, the obliques (sides), and the lower back.  I usually start with a crunch machine.  I do several sets of 20 to 30 repetitions at a modern weight.  Next I use a special machine which forces you to use your side in order to twist your lower body.  Again, I keep the weight relatively low and strive for higher numbers of twists.  This device makes my feel the best or tightest around the waist.  I’ve noticed significant firmness has developed both as I’ve burned off 50 pounds of fat while strengthened my core.  This has resulted in my dropping nine pants sizes.

After I twist, I do back extensions on a weight machine.  Again, it’s more reps and lower weights that provides the right stress for optimal results.  The worst thing one can do is overload a body part or group of muscles as this will result in imbalance or, worse, injury.  Keep it low, slow, and consistent.

I end the abs work with more crunches (straight and to the sides) on another machine which uses the body’s weight against itself, a similar approach to the lowe back, and crunches while hanging upside down (what a burn!). 

The third function is cardiovascular work.  For me this means anywhere from ten minutes to an hour on the track or an exercise machine.  My favorite is the elliptical machine as it’s easy on the joints and provides an added kick over mere walking or running.  Moving increases one’s heart rate.  There is a range of heartbeats per minute that ranges from resting (60-80 bpm) to fat burning (80-120 bpm) to aerobic (120-180 bpm) to heart attack (180+ bpm).  This range is based, of course, on my age and size. 

I start off by jacking up my heart rate to the safest maximum (sometimes right to the edge of comfort).  I do this my going as fast as I can against as much resistance as I can stand.  I work up from “level” 7 or 8 to level 20 and go as fast as possible.  This takes five to ten minutes, burns over 100 calories alone, and makes me sweat and pant profusely.  Then, I gradually law off the exertion and lower my bpm (heart beats per minute) back tot he fat burning range.  This I sustain for as long as I have time for.  At the end I cool off and slow down.  This is essential for lowering my heart rate to a level where I don’t get dizzy from hanging upside down.

Inverting is stage four, along with general stretching.  Both of these processes easy joint and muscle strain and give a meditation-like clarity of mind.  While hanging I contort into all sorts of positions so as to smooth out every strain and ache.  Just hanging there does wonders.  This sets the stage for part five:

This last phase is the spa treatment, including steaming and a relaxing shower.  After all of this I literally skip out feeling 20 years younger.

And, now, the weights:

Shoulders

I start with shoulders on most first days as it requires the use of the arms and other supporting parts.  I find it’s better to do this first (not always) before progressing to arms. 

The shoulders can be divided roughly into two main sections: the trapezius and subclavical muscles (those descending from the neck) and the deltoids (the muscles over the arms).  All of these are worked over while doing exercises for other body parts.

For the trapezius class I start most days with standing or seated shrugs.  This involves shrugging the shoulders upwards towards the ears as far as comfort and range of motion allows.  This can be accomplished either with free weights like dumbbells or the use of a machine which pivots.  As with core work, I do 3 or 4 sets of repetitions at a moderate weight.  For added work I progress the weights heavier with each progressive set. 

MachineHangjpg_00000008405

(Shoulder shrugs.  A little light for Perrin – ha!.  Google.)

Next I do some sort of movement that requires lifting a weight from the waist up to the chin area by bending the arms outwards.  This works all muscles in the front and back of the shoulders as well as the deltoids.

For deltoids and an overall push I do shoulder presses or “military” presses: lifting a weight overhead.  I also isolate the delts using free weights raised in various positions – front, sides, and rear – for overall effect.

880_4

(Side Deltoid Raises.  Google.)

Triceps

The triceps are the “u” shaped muscles (3-parts, thus “tri”) in the back of the upper arm.  These are generally worked by extending the arms downwards, upwards, or backwards while standing or on a bench and by pressing down on a fixed weight.  The same rules of sets, reps, and resistance applies here.

cable-triceps-extension-450x250

(Downward tricept extentions with cable weight.  Google.)

triceps-push-down

(Tricep presses or push down on machine.  Google Images.)

My arms are stronger than average.  Thus, when doing presses like the one pictured here I have run into the odd problem of being able to press or lift more than my bodyweight at the end of the cycle.  I can generally do this for 10 to 12 reps – once I contort and force the weight and my body down into a seated position.

Biceps

The biceps are the tow-part muscles on the front of the upper arm.  These are the “guns” that everyone flexes to show how strong they are.  Biceps are toned by curling a weight up from a straight armed position to a fully bent arm with the weight on the level of one’s eyes.

I mix up a combination of free weights (both single dumbbells and a single bar) and seated machines which use either one or both arms.

Bicep-Curl

(This dude is doing single arm curls with dumbbells.  Google.)

biceps-curl-machine

(Seated “preacher” curls (over a pulpit) on machine.  Google.)

I love the curls in the above picture.  Again, I can use more than my own weight here.  This one impresses the ladies and frightens off fellow males like no other.  Ha!!!

One note I need to interject at this point is how to lift any weight.  There are three parts to a lift: concentric, eccentric, and excentric movements.  This, in layman’s terms means: 1) slowing lifting the weight to begin with; 2) holding a flex at the “top” of the lift; and 3) slowly lower the weight and stretching the muscle(s) worked.  It is advisable breathe out while raising the weight and inhale while lifting.

Forearms

The forearms are often neglected by many people.  They do get flexed while doing a variety of upper-body routines but they benefit tremendously from isolated exercise.  Large, powerful forearms give a manly look to the body.  They can be worked with dumbbells during the curl routine.  This is accomplished by rolling the weight up or to either side while holding the arm down and straight.

There is also a machine which holds weight plates.  One sits behind the plates and squeezes a set of handles together with the hands.  This is similar to the old-fashioned spring grip gadget.  The maneuver is usually overhanded but sometimes I use a lighter weight with my palms facing up to burn each forearm individually.   However you do it, it’s important to work the entire arm all the way around.  Doing so will provide added stability for other exercises and strengthens the wrists and hands.  The next time some jerk tries to crush your hand in a handshake you can crush back with confidence.

After all these, I do the core and other ancillary work.  Sometimes I will add in an exercise for another part if I feel I didn’t hit it sufficiently the last time.  Again, there is no set formula, just a general routine which benefits from the occasional shakeup.

Alright, turn the computer off and hit the gym.  You’ll thank me later!

Evans Fitness Club

30 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Augusta, cardio, cheerleaders, EFC, Evans, fitness, girls, MMA, showers, spa, weights

Today I continue my series on good businesses by praising my gym of choice, the Evans Fitness Club (also known as Center or simply “EFC”).  EFC has served as a critical part of my recent life change program and this post will serve as a prelude to the forth-coming detailed analysis of said program.  I hope all of this is of use and motivation to you, my beloved readers.

efc_logo

One can find EFC at 3002 Allen Drive in the heart of Evans. Georgia; they are online at: http://www.evansfitnessclub.com/. Check them out either way; if you live in the area, you need to join.  They are by far the biggest and best fitness facility in the Augusta area.  In fact, I have seen few clubs anywhere that rival the opulence and excellent design of EFC.  There motto is “bringing big city fitness to your backyard.”  That is exactly what they have done.

The club is the brainchild of “Big” Mike Montarbo and Bill Smith.  Big Mike earned his stripes as a trainer and manager at other local clubs, winning everyone over with his knowledge and charm.  Bill is a legend in the fitness industry, having owned and operated clubs all over the U.S.  I met Bill in the 1980’s when he ran the super-successful BodyTalk club, then the most state of the art facility in the area.  He and I reminisced about the old place when I joined EFC.  Bill’s kids are now in management and continue their father’s tradition of excellence.

I had intended to interview one or both gentlemen before writing this piece and I may still.  I’d also like to have them as a sponsor here, they are most worthy.

First, I’d like to start with the beauty and design of the physical facility.  Here’s a picture of the outside (architectural rendering, I thought I saw a real photo but can’t find it):

efc_contact_image

The club is located in the new business park across the street from the new Columbia County Courthouse, Library, and County office complex.  The building is beautiful as well as functional.  It’s surrounded by parking spaces and a second parking lot next door is almost complete – I have never had any trouble finding a spot any time of day.

Inside, the place is a marvel of efficient layouts.  After signing in at the attractive front desk one enters the main training floor.  The center is devoted to an MMA-style “octagon” used constantly by Greubel’s Martial Arts for a variety of exercise and self-defense trainings.  The octagon is wrapped by three separate machine weight areas.  In the center there is an Astroturf running lane of NFL quality.  These areas are enclosed by a walkway/track.  The outside areas are devoted to a huge free weight area, a Smoothie King franchise (can’t beat it!), a medical weight loss office, a spinning studio, racquetball courts, locker rooms, and a massive child care room.

The kiddies can keep fit while mom and dad work out by playing basketball, climbing on numberous inflatable funhouses, and other activities.  They also provide TVs and reading/play areas.  The room is well staffed.

Speaking of TVS – they’re everywhere.  Everywhere.  Digital entertainment is constantly available for those who like it while not being a distraction for those of us who don’t really care.

I can only speak for the men’s locker room but I suspect the ladies have it as good if not better than the men.  Up front there is a relaxing lounge with sofas, tables, a scale, and a huge TV.  The lockers are interspersed around and between the sinks, grooming mirrors, a restroom stalls.  Everything is trimmed in the best materials for a country club like experience.  The back is home to the sauna, the steamroom, and the showers.

I have praised the sauna previously for its theraputic benefits.  The steam room offers similar benefits with a twist.  While the sauna is hotter (around 180 degrees F), the steam room (120ish F) feels warmer and induced instance sweating.  It’s the difference between dry and wet heat.  Both offer general seating and the steam room features a shower for quick clean-up.

The shower showers are a spectacle all to themselves.  To begin with, they’re huge.  An entire cheerleading squad could join a lucky fellow given the space which I estimate at 6X15 feet.  There are 5 water facets, a rain-like fixture overhead and four positionable jets on the sides.  Complimentary shampoo, conditioner, and liquid gel soap are provided as an extra perk. 

I end every workout I can with a 10-20 minute visit to either the sauna or steamroom followed by a loooong shower.  So far, I have not found the cheerleaders though.  Given that I do cardio after weights, I’m usually sweaty before I get to the heat boxes.  Thus, while I start with a normal temperature shower i have to drop the degrees steadily, ending with essentially a cold shower.  This is called a Scottish shower; it’s invigorating and cools the body for profession appearance post-exercise.

Almost every one of my sessions starts downstairs with the weights and machines.  I’ll soon post my recommended routines.  I then move upstairs for cardio and stretching before treating myself to the afore-mentioned spa treatment.

Upstairs, the club is open to the floor below.  The opening is enclosed by a walking/running track (1/12 of a mile around).  The track features a stretching and abdominal station at either end.  The sides of the second floor are packed with every kind of cardio device imaginable – stair climbers, rowing, bikes, treadmills, and my favorite – the elliptical machines.  One will also find more spinning, several large aerobics rooms, a movie theater with treadmills and bikes, and a huge room dedicated to strange-looking strength and agility exercises (they call it “proto-type” athletics?). 

After I pump iron I like to hit the cardio machines for ten to sixty minutes, which burns hundreds of calories.  I’ve really seen a difference since adding cardio to the program.  Fat just dissolves away.  Before I leave the “floor” I stretch and hang upside down on my favorite invention in history: the inversion table.  It’s nothing for me to hang for 5 to 10 minutes in blissful relaxation.  It cures everything!  Then I head to the locker/spa.  For an added treat I will sometimes enjoy a smoothie on my way out – I go for the strawberry Gladiator – packed with protein and as delicious as they come.

All along the way I get to enjoy the company of friends, old and new.  I have several men I work out with occasionally and there is always someone to chew the fat with.  The place is also overrun with …er… eye candy…  Exercising is always better in a pleasant facility surrounded by good scenery.  Big Mike and Bill have also assembled an excellent staff of trainers and other professionals who can help with anything one needs.

If the club has a drawback, it would be the house music selection – modern pop.  It’s just not my cup of tea.  However, as with the TVS, it’s easy to tune out.  I will someday add an Ipod or something similar to my arsenal.  Now, I could use my wife’s but it is pink – can’t do it.

Well, I’ve recounted all the benefits of my plan in action over and over.  I would like to add warning or another point of detraction to fitness.  As I have transformed from a fat blob to a near bodybuilder type, I’ve noticed that much of that … eye candy is frequently looking at me now.  Sometimes I endure uncomfortable comments and the occasional unwanted contact.  I’ve become eye candy…  I suppose it’s too much for the poor girls to resist.  Poor me.  Just be aware that this can and will happen to you when you get on the bandwagon. 

girls

(Always leering at big daddy. Google.)

There you have it.  Join the EFC machine!  If you’re outside my area, find a similar club and get fit now!

Ten More Things You Can Do Today

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blogging, books, cigars, Congress, encourage, God, hiking, James Altucherthanks, letters, Marcus Aurelius, news, people, positive, power, relax, slow, stress, Thessalonians, Thomas Jefferson

Building on my last happy advice column, I’d like to offer another ten easy things you can do today to make your life a little happier.

1. Smoke a Cigar.

This probably is more appealing to the male audience though quiet a few women enjoy the leaf as well.  Use my recent Cigar Guide as a starting point and see if you like the hobby.  You only need one, it won’t cost that much and it will only take an hour or so to enjoy.  I’ve researched the health risks associated with occasional cigar smoking – it’s negligent.  In fact, I think the relaxation benefits far outweigh the .002% increase in the risk of problems.

0329131544

2. Lose the News.

The commercial news in America is boring at best, toxic at worst.  You will not miss anything important if you take a break for a day or so.  Murders, wars, theft, depression, scandal, etc. will go on in your absence – only you won’t be dragged down by it.  Consider ignorance bliss and disconnect.  This advice, of course, does not extent to your favorite blog.

3. Slow Down Some More.

Last time I recommended slowing your pace in life in order to de-stress and feel better.  Do it some more.  Remember, even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.  Who likes rats?  Check the emails tomorrow.  There’s enough food at the house, lay off the super-market today.  Let the little old lady merge into your lane.  Be happy.  Be free.

tortoise

(This guy won the race.  Google.)

4. Let Someone Tell You, “You Can’t” and Prove Them Wrong.

So many people are afraid of things – everything.  If they can’t conceive of a way to do some particular thing, they assume nobody can do it.  In psychology this is called transference or projection or something.  They’ll say you can’t lose the weight.  They’ll say your business won’t make it.  They’ll say such a hot blonde will never go out with you.  Don’t listen.  If you really want to do something and it’s meant to be, you can’t fail – unless you fail to try.  A young man at Yale was told his presented idea in an economics class would never be feasible; years later, the man put his plan into action and founded Federal Express.  When you succeed, take comfort in your accomplishment.  Remember to be gracious to your detractors, maybe you will inspire them to rise above their own roadblocks.

5. Encourage Someone.

The pre-emptive strike against worldly negativity is to place faith in someone else’s ideas.  When someone runs by a plan for something new by you, tell them what you think, but make sure you end it positively.  A little encouragement goes a long way and may be just the boost a person needs to get over their fears and societal conditioning of failure and make “it” happen.  Praise is contagious too.  Start a fire!

6. Write a Letter to the Editor.

I used to do this with very limited success.  Now, I’m the editor and everything I write gets published – and read.  Pick a topic you’re passionate about and tell the world your opinions.  Everyone is an expert at something, share your insights.  Like encouragement, it might spark somebody to positive action.  A common tactic is to write an “open” letter to a CongressCritter or some other prominent person or organization and forward a copy to the local fish-wrapper.  Knowing your views will be viewed by a wide audience may give a politician or other figure more reason to act than your letter alone would.  Try it and see.

7. Question Authority.

People in power frequently use their power to limit the powerless.  Challenge them.  Thomas Jefferson once said, “I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.”  One can’t have a better role model than old T.J.  When the cop asks you if you knew how fast you were going, don’t answer; this denies them your assistance in your prosecution and takes a little of the bully out of them.  If a teacher tells you heat rises, ask why, then, does the TOP of the pond freeze.  Make her explain thermodynamics in full.  Be polite and don’t do anything so outrageous as to risk arrest.  By speaking truth to power or denying the power altogether, you can preserve liberty and concurrently increase understanding – both admirable ends.  This, again, does not apply to your favorite blog (wink, wink).

8. Take a Hike!

Last time I relayed the benefits of a simple walk around the block.  Hiking through God’s country increases the benefits, both in terms of exercise exertion and scenery.  Hikes need not be limited to the woods or the mountains.  Stalk away through the dunes or a country road.  Explore your local park or the land along the river-side levee.  Make sure you have good shoes for this one.  I once reached in the closet, without looking, for boots to take to the Smokey Mountains.  A mile or so in I realized duck-hunting boots were not made for trudging up-hill… 

9. Write a Book.

I recommended reading a book.  That’s always good advice.  Take it to the next level and make your own literary contribution to the world.  If it’s not a full-length book, then write a pamphlet or start a blog!  By the way, books are easier than ever to publish these days.  Check out www.createspace.com, there’s a link here on the left.  This service will not only turn your ideas into print but will make them commercially available to the masses – all for free.  Your book can be about anything.  There are no rules and no constraints anymore.  Read James Altucher’s excellent column on the subject – http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/05/why-and-how-i-self-published-a-book/.  This was my inspiration to start blogging and ram through my first book (soon, I promise…).

alphasmart_neo_word_processor_f

(Create!  Google.)

10. Give Thanks for Something.

Anything.  Good or bad.  “In everything give thanks.”  1 Thessalonians 5:18.  God does everything for a reason.  Thank Him.  Too smart for God, then thank Mother Earth, or Father Time, the Tooth Fairy or whoever.  Believe in something bigger than you.  As for the good and the bad, even non-Christian philosophers speak of accepting both with the same stoic resolve.  See Marcus Aurelius on that point.  Spread the word.  Accept, give thanks, take action, be happy.

BONUS! 11. Forward this advice to people you know.  Come up with some more things people can do!

Questions and Comments 3/29/2013

29 Friday Mar 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Other Columns

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

1911, ADA, Alabama, America, American Rifleman, Assad, Augusta, bankers, Barak Obama, basketball, Ben Bernanke, Bieber, Bin Laden, Bush, Christians, CIA, Clinto, Congress, crime, Cyprus, D.C., Dianne Feinstein, disability, Disney, drugs, EBT, fat, Federal Reserve, Fire Hat, gays, global warming, God, hell, Hussein, Janet Napolitano, Jim Carrey, Kate Upton, Lindsey Vonn, Lohan, marriage, Masters, McCain, Mexico, Michael Bloomberg, Michael Moore, Monsanto, New World Order, obsesity, Oscar the Grouch, Piers Morgan, politicians, Powell, raoches, rats, Rothschilds, Schumer, Sesame Street, Sheen, snakes, SSI, Steve Martin, taxes, theft, Thomas Jefferson, War, Youtube

You have answers, I have questions.  You have questions, I have comments.  In the tradition of Fire Hat…

I want to give my white man’s perspective on basketball: “Who cares?”

Kim Jong Unbalenced has kindly offered to bomb D.C.  We should get him a fruit basket or something.

The more television channels, the less shows worth watching.

If not for politicians and banksters, who would rats and roaches look down upon?

Since they can drive and talk on the phone at the same time, why can’t people drive and use turn signals concurrently?

Aside from the Brady Center and mental inpatients, does Piers Morgan have an audience?

Imperial and Georgian forces have raided the property of the FPSRussia guy – don’t post yourself with guns on Youtube.

When are the next parliamentary elections in Cyprus?

Why are banks still standing in Cyprus?

Considering that almost every town has a thief and maybe a murderer, why do we still need governments?

Given that almost every town has that thief, why do we still need banks?

Any bets on when Justin Bieber goes John Belushi on us?

Why can’t Augusta have the Masters Tournament 51 weeks out of the year?  Seems to work for baseball, basketball, and Nascar.

Why are gay people upset about laws banning them from committing marriage?

Women take bicycles fishing? Huh?

If a law falls in the forest and there’s no judge around to opine, can law professors still think?

How come a grocery store in a neighborhood where everyone has EBT cards can’t make it financially?

Why do those EBT cardees need food handouts?

When the above-grocery store in Augusta, GA went out of business, the Sheriff refused to give the excess food to the gathered crowd of hundreds.  He said they were too fat as is.  The new Sheriff is an observant man.

Scientists predict 104% of the American population will be morbidly obese by 2022.

Why do “Christians” lust for war, real or imaginary?

Lindsay Lohan is starring in Charlie Sheen’s TV show; local liquor stores report record sales.

How does unemployment rise in an economic recovery?

If he government wants to ban guns, why don’t they ditch theirs and lead by example?

By around 2020 the ADA will have to be revised to mandate each parking lot set aside one or spaces in the rear for “normals.”

Ben Bernanke has secured a patent on a warp-drive powered printing press; rejoice!

If alive today Thomas Jefferson would hang his head, sail back to England, and beg the Queen for clemency.

Officials in Anniston, Alabama announced yesterday that the last factory in America closed.

I applaud Barack Obama’s vacation schedule; he works hard and needs a tan.

If Lindsey Graham joined the Communist Party, would anyone notice?

Are there any brown people left on earth the U.S. has not bombed lately?

Is not being disabled a disability these days?

After more than forty seasons, Sesame Street is set to replace Oscar the Grouch with Michael Bloomberg after the good mayor retires.

Steve Martin has agreed to reprise the role of The Jerk next year in a tribute to Bloomberg.

How does one go about getting the job of body painting Kate Upton?

In an effort to allow banks to raid more of your cash, Congress has introduced legislation to place mattresses and mason jars under Federal Reserve control.

Is there any truth to the rumor Dianne Feinstein will play the Wicked Which of the West’s ugly, controlling grandmother?

Why do we have Cuban baseball players but not cigars?

Next year when everyone in America becomes unemployed or disabled, who will pay the taxes?

Several illegal immigrants went home disgusted with America this week, after climbing over the fence only to discover the hideous presence of Chuck Schumer and John McCain.  What has the world come to?

Angry armed citizens arrested the corrupt local police in a Mexican town this week; Americans are weak, fat, and stupid.

If Patrick Henry were alive today, he would kick McCain and Schumer in their heads before jumping the fence to Mexico.

Now we know why Lindsey Vonn winces when the idiots scream, “Get in the hole!”

If the 1911 had never been invented, what would American Rifleman report on?

Pharmaceutical companies make money drugging our children; school shootings are their advertisements.

Reading, Riting, and Ritalin, why can’t Johnny aim without the jitters?

All roaches, flies, and spiders have departed the Capital in protest over adverse working conditions.

If global warming is measured by pollen, we’re screwed.

Monsanto owns your CongressCritter, b***hes!

Poor Janet Napolitano has never been on a date.

God called and stated he would rescind his promise against future floods if another Bush runs for President.

Clinton made Bush look good; Bush made Clinton look good; Obama made Bush look good.  Another Bush followed by another Clinton followed by a catastrophic asteroid collision will made Washington look good.

Does Bashar al-Assad shop at Saddam Hussein’s old yellow cake retailer?  Mr. Powell?

Marine biologists have discovered bankers are all descended from a common sea slug, the Thievish Filtha-sluggis.

Jesse Jackson is upset, again.

The Capital One Vikings have all filed successfully for SSI.

Jim Carrey needs an enema.

Michael Moore was ticketed from breaking a truck-stop scale during his last weigh-in.

Does Osama Bin Laden’s family receive his CIA retirement?

Which childhood classic will Disney destroy next?

Pope Francis will be in Washington next week to wash the feet of more felons.

All six adult American men who don’t play video games met for the first time at a Knoxville Waffle House last week; we had a good time.

Following their recent success in finding the “God particle,” physicists are proud to announce they have discovered the “Satan particle;” it will be formally known as the “Bush,” “Clinton,” or “Feinstein” particle once the dust settles.

The Rothschilds endorsed the American slob as the State Bird of the New World Order.

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead politician in the road?  The politician still wants your money.

The correct greeting for a bankster or politician is, “Go BACK to hell!”

Hades’s Deposition

27 Wednesday Mar 2013

Posted by perrinlovett in Legal/Political Columns, Other Columns

≈ Comments Off on Hades’s Deposition

Tags

Atlanta, attorneys, civil litigation, clients, deposition, discovery, experts, green space chickens, scotch

A long time ago I participated in a complex civil litigation case which involved a construction project gone wrong.  The details do not really matter.  I represented the plaintiff in the matter.  The case was difficult enough but my client’s expert’s deposition added a new level of complexity I had not contemplated.

Depositions are factual statements taken under oath as part of the discovery/information process.  It’s a preview of the other side’s cross-examination of a witness at trial.  There are several reasons to depose a witness: first, it provides a oppourtunity to confirm what you know about a case; second, it gives you an idea of what the other side knows and if there any problems on the horizon; third, it sometimes provides a chance to settle a case without further expense.  The other side in this case had to depose our expert in order to assess where we all stood, pre-trial.

This particular case was very fact intensive with reports, statements, and other information in great quantity.  We had to associate an expert to evaluate all of the facts and condense them into a citable report.  The expert hired was a tier one professional who did not come cheap.  He spent days reviewing material and preparing his summary.  He also generated many questions, all important to our legal position.  These questions necessitated the client’s active participation in their answering.  For several months the expert requested this participation and was largely rebuffed.  The client was not unwilling to help rather, he always seemed to drift to other subjects and find excuses for delaying his responses.  We scheduled several (expensive) all day meetings intended to get the client on the same page with the expert.  The meetings never answered some questions.

Thus, the expert was left to guess at some factors and to do his best to assess the facts on his own.  He did a great job overall.  His report served as an excellent basis to proceed in the case.  At his deposition, he defended his positions with great skill, confident his findings supported the plaintiff’s position.

My role was to “defend” the expert during the deposition.  The other side was represented by two attorneys who both took active roles in the examination.  These gentlemen were extremely professional and the expert was not at his first rodeo.  Thus, my job should have been fairly simple.  In such sessions the defending attorney usually requests question clarification when necessary and objects for the record if some questions over-reach the allowable scope of discovery.  The questions may still be asked and answered, the objections take effect if called for later at trial.

Out of professional courtesy, everyone agreed to depose the expert at his metro-Atlanta office, several hours away from mine.  I arrived extra early to confer with the man and plan for any expected troubles.  We had a good meeting and agreed things looked pretty good.  The client was supposed to meet with us in a last-ditch effort to reveal misplaced information.  He showed up with little time to spare, along with the other attorneys and the court reporter.

The opposing side had read and were familiar with our expert’s preliminary report.  Their questions were efficient and run of the mill.  However, my client began at once to exhibit overly odd behavior.  He was restless, talked to himself, talked to me (interrupting my train of thought), and interfered with the questioning to the point that I politely requested a break to speak with him in private.  He then agreed to calm down.

It did not last.  After interrupting several more times, the questioning attorney directed his attention to my client’s disruption.  I once again took him aside for a talk.  It did not take this time.  The client seemed concerned that the expert was not answering certain questions sufficiently as those questions required the information the client was supposed to deliver to the expert but never did.  He was suddenly concerned that the expert did not have all facts.  I reassured him things were going well and asked if he had the additional information, even at the late hour.  He did not.  I cautioned him not to interrupt again and back we went.

Then, during the ordinary course of the questioning, the client went berserk.  He began to only talk (about the questions and other things).  He snatched my note pad and began writing me cryptic notes I did not understand.  I ignored him at this point.  Then he began to pace around the room like a tiger in a cage.  He stopped and talked behind the expert.  He looked over the other attorneys while they spoke.  He talked to the court reported.  I felt a little sick. 

At some point one of the opposing lawyers requested a break so I could attempt to regain control of my client.  I should have told him to leave or threatened to quite myself.  Instead, I pleaded with him to keep from getting himself held in contempt or somethingfor interference. 

We resumed after lunch and went on for the rest of the afternoon.  My client at least remained seated for the most part but he was of no help to me whatsoever.  Usually, a lawyer will ask a present client some questions in order to assist his understanding of the present matter.  I knew it was a lost cause.  I did request that we have a meeting immediately after the session, a get with Jesus prayer meeting, if you will.  He agreed.

However, after the deposition ended the client disappeared.  This did give me a few minutes to apologize to the other side and the reporter.  I assumed man-tiger had gone to his car for something.  I ended up in the expert’s executive office talking about the merits of the matter and the oddity of the day’s event.  Neither of us had ever seen anything like it.  After about an hour we realized our client had not joined us.  I got up and looked for him but found no sign of him in or outside of the office.  Honestly, I was a little relieved.  However, back in the expert’s office a few minutes later the client called.  He reported he was almost back to my office and that he knew where the missing facts were located.  I guessed that he did not, in fact, know anything about the facts and that he must be driving over 100 miles per hour.

My partner later reported to me that the client did stop by a little more than one hour after the deposition was finished.  He rushed in yelling and frightened several other clients.  He ransacked his own files and left muttering to himself.  No facts ever came forth.

Around this time the sun was setting and the expert and I were tired, numbed, and hungry.  We decided to get dinner and drinks.  I called a friend in the area and we all met at a local pub.  There I attempted triage of my mind via single-malt scotch.  It worked and after sobering up I made the long drive home.  By the time I was in the car my brain was dead and I probably would not have passed a road-side sobriety test even if I had not consumed anything.  I didn’t care at the time and, fortunately, there was no incident on the highway.  I stopped in the office after midnight and wrote myself a memo detailing the unusual circumstances of the day.

I learned several things from this affair.  Most importantly, I learned to identify disturbed clients before agreeing to represent them.  I also concluded that all clients needed extensive preparation before depositions with adequate warnings about proper conduct.  In cases like this one I decided the absence of the client would be in the client’s best interests.  I also reflected on the fact that people are not perfect and that patience is a virtue. 

In the end, thanks to the expert’s hard work, the deposition was a success for us.  I also came away a better attorney.  Subsequent depositions, no matter how arduous, didn’t seem that bad by comparison.  I hope you learned a little something from this story.  Maybe not.  Maybe I just needed to vent.  Anyway, always follow paid professional advice, keep quiet when necessary, and keep your speed reasonable.  My head hurts now…

← Older posts
Newer posts →

Perrin Lovett

AURELIUS COMING SOON
From Green Altar Books, an imprint of Shotwell Publishing

From Green Altar Books, an imprint of Shotwell Publishing

Perrin Lovett at:

Perrin on Geopolitical Affairs:

Archives

  • August 2026
  • July 2026
  • June 2026
  • May 2026
  • April 2026
  • March 2026
  • February 2026
  • January 2026
  • December 2025
  • November 2025
  • October 2025
  • September 2025
  • August 2025
  • July 2025
  • June 2025
  • May 2025
  • April 2025
  • March 2025
  • February 2025
  • January 2025
  • December 2024
  • November 2024
  • October 2024
  • September 2024
  • August 2024
  • July 2024
  • June 2024
  • May 2024
  • April 2024
  • March 2024
  • February 2024
  • January 2024
  • December 2023
  • November 2023
  • October 2023
  • September 2023
  • August 2023
  • July 2023
  • June 2023
  • May 2023
  • April 2023
  • March 2023
  • February 2023
  • January 2023
  • December 2022
  • November 2022
  • October 2022
  • September 2022
  • August 2022
  • July 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • July 2021
  • June 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013
  • April 2013
  • March 2013
  • February 2013
  • June 2012

Prepper Post News Podcast by Freedom Prepper (sadly concluded, but still archived!)

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • PERRIN LOVETT
    • Join 40 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • PERRIN LOVETT
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
Loading Comments...

You must be logged in to post a comment.