The Ambassador’s Report

 

*Today, a bit of fancy aimed primarily at the Reckonin’ crew. All should, assuredly, enjoy it!

THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA

Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Office of the Ambassador to the Russian Federation

Sixty-First Floor, Imperia Tower

12 Presnenskaya Naberezhnaya

Moscow, Russia 123112

 

August 16, 2023

 

REPORT to the American People

Hon. Perrin Lovett, Acting Ambassador

 

My Dearest Fellow Americans:

Мы – живая история нашего собственного будущего! That, of course, is Russian for “We are the living history of our own future!” Though we pause to remember the additional 611,895 heritage Americans who departed us last year without replacement, let 1859 lie where she may. Our time is now. 

It is with the greatest pride and pleasure that I report to you from the energized heart of the civilized world. Greetings. Specifically, it has been my high honor and enlightened entertainment to represent you this week at the Army-2023 International Weapons Show and Forum at the impressive Patriot Congress and Exhibition Center and Alabino-Kubinka military facilities. I offer many thanks to the RUS-MOD and Rosoboronexport for hosting this grand event. And I thank you for heeding my previous calls for resource modernization and alliance building. Your forward-thinking and perseverance will be well rewarded. [I have sent an encoded diplomatic communiqué to the appropriate government offices and officials.]

First, my only regret is that I was not joined by any liaison from the CSA-MOD, perhaps because such does not exist. Regardless, were they real and had they attended, they would have enjoyed an almost unbelievable experience. 

In all honesty, I have a second regret. For some reason, my courteous hosts assessed my dozen or so hours behind the yoke of a Cessna 172 some 25 years ago as insufficient experience necessary to pilot the awe-inspiring SU-57. While they all agreed my takeoffs and landings from PDK and adjacent travels about Hotlanta (fo-o-fo, ah, yeah!) did count as combat flight experience, it was driven home to me — a painful realization — I am unqualified for command of such an exotic bird. While I drowned my sorrows in a deep mug of Nevskoe Imperial, I instead watched as a professional performed aerial acrobatics to beat the band. I am utterly in love with these people, but they are a tad on the insane side. A double sonic boom-generating low buzz almost caused me to spill my lager! However, the following show more than compensated for my shock. In addition to being very fast, the “Felon” is well-equipped for its operational mission. We watched a reportedly live demonstration from a neighboring country of an air-launched KH-38 attack, allegedly against ZATO forces in Lviv. In addition to being very fast and very deadly, she’s also very graceful and beautifully agile. She can stand still, vertically. And, yes, she can both “walk” and “waltz”. 

Before they gave me beer, I was allowed to drive a brand new T-14 a short distance over an obstacle course. This was followed by firing the automated 125 mm smoothbore at a test target I designated “Yankee Small Hat”. Humoring my aloof giddiness and enthusiastic tipsiness, they guided me through one amazing demonstration after another. [His Excellency, the Council, the Senate, and the MOD-GS will pay special attention to my report on the S-300-36D6, Pantsir-S1E, S-400+, 3M22, KH-47, 9K720, and associated systems.]

The hyperventilation generated by these toys aside, I was primarily assigned to inspect various ISR, EW, and tactical battlefield radar systems. [The short video attached to my BIG REPORT is of me actively peering inside a sealed hanger via the use of a 1L111M Fara-VR platform. Through the disturbing clarity, please note the green crosshair markers, indicative of real-time fire control and targeting ability. The longer video is degraded live footage from Mariupol, 2022, and a real demonstration of those combat capabilities.] [The “Guinea Hunt” file is a degraded audio/visual/EM record compilation of the 7/2023 interaction between next-gen microwave EW based, I believe, off a SU-27 against a hapless F(You)-35; imagine that scenario all the way to the unforgiving sea.]

Not that we have an enemy to fight, per se, but if we did, then we would be ready. Our future, well-planned by all of you, is secure. 

Throughout my days and nights (and the show is still in progress as I report) here, I made multiple friends from some of the sixty-plus nations represented. “Zone B” is the future, the wide world of growth, peace, and prosperity; Americans of the CSA are wise to join the march deep into the 21st Century. Traveller, barbeque, TikTok pickin’, demographic stability, industrial-agricultural integration, modern weapons, and a stable currency will see our grandchildren’s future guaranteed. 

Regarding the subject of money, it is my pleasure to meet later this week with executives of the CBR, Gosbank, and their Chinese counterparts to establish the direct linkage between our currency and the rising permanent replacement of the MIR-SIPs gold-petro-Ruble. Again, this development is only possible because you, all of you, have been proactive rather than watching statues fall while electing Judas Party women, foreigners, and blowhard morons. And again, your efforts will pay off.

Because of our dynamic, living (not collapsing and dying – 611K, RIP) demographics, our armaments, and our industrial financial capabilities, I will, this very fall, venture to China for the third annual BRI-BRF conference and planning session. While we remain adamantly committed to debt-free, unentangled progress and cooperation, Dixie can and will have the finest air, road, rail, port, and socio-industrial infrastructure in the Western Hemisphere. I estimate that by the end of this decade, your healthy family of ten will be able to transit our great land, border to border, should you desire, within a matter of ground-based hours, all for less than the price of a single airline ticket from Charlotte, CSA to NYC, GAE. The sky really is the limit, though we will soon push the terrestrial envelope on electrified steel tracks. For driving fanatics, I will soon release the full plan for both GAZ and KAMAZ factories within the Southland, with information on possible Hongqi developments to follow. For now, think high-paying jobs and a better-than-Corolla ride at essentially half the price. Soon, my wise, stalwart friends. 

Alas, I must return to my pleasant duties. As always, I leave you with the reminder that,

Бог – наш защитник! ~ Deo vindice!

Your dedicated servant,

Perrin Lovett

“Ambassador”

*”Ambassador’s” Note: Some of the foregoing, of course, is fictional. For instance, no one maintains an office on the 61st floor of a 60-story building. Also, we know darn well they’d let me fly her. Right? They would, right? Eh…