*Note: The following was going to be this week’s TPC column. However, due to developments in the pizza Epstein case, I decided to run with that. I’ll link to the following in the new bit, which should come out in a day or two.

Revealed: Secrets of American History

No. 17: Donald Trump and the Ancient American Airports

Okay. Independence Day, like the namesake, has passed us by. I assume many of you are still reeling from all that barbeque and booze, er … freedom, so I’ll keep this light and easy.

Once again, it’s time for another installment of the old fan favorite CFF segment on the unknown side of American history. Here, I invite even non-American “citizens” of the United States Empire to participate – it’s just plain fun for everyone.

A little known fact, though not our primary lesson today, is that Brother Donald “MAGA 45” Trump and I are both 39 and ⅓ degree Masons. Due to his honorable elected status, he may add the additional title of “Grandiest Exonerated Schlemiel” whereas I simply answer to “Perrin the Most Somewhat-Free Mason Extraordinary of the Grandiose Order of the Holy Wirt of the Cause Celebre Cosmopolitan, Temple of the Ancient Wisdom and Something Else I Can Never Remember, Lord Knight and Night Defender, 39.33334.” (By the way, y’all: to be one, ask Donald).

Anyhow, as members of a secret level within a secret order, one of the great things we do is keep secrets. And, Donald, keeping a secret means NOT TELLING THE WHOLE DAMNED WORLD ABOUT IT!

I had heard that my fellow Exultant Potato planned a Yuuuge speech, rally, and show of military farce for the holiday. I paid little heed except for quipping that the heavy armor and gunships might be better deployed South in an effort to arrest the largest invasion in recorded human history. But, hey, what do I know?

None of it did I watch, and I would have completely written the whole thing off …. But! But, someone brought to my attention a SNAFU whereby one of those secrets was inadvertently revealed by the Carnival Barker in Chief, to wit:

“The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rocket’s red glare, it had nothing but victory.”

-Bro. Donnie JT, praising the Continentals, circa 1775-1783 AD…

The New York Times, CNN, FOX, etc. had a field day with the idea that Washington and Co. “took over the airports” from the British. Bro Orange Man blamed a television or that mean old Army man from Forrest Gump or something. Tweets and Grams and whatnot flowed.

Now, the task has fallen to me to set straight this seemingly improbable anachronism…

Yes. America did, in fact, have an airport in the late Eighteenth Century. Technically, we had three of them, they just never got around to putting up a windsock down in Wilmington. The one Donald was foolishly talking about was located where stinks now present-day DC. And, it was at least one-hundred years old by the time of the Revolution.

The unpaved, though well-compacted and level runway was 6,666 feet long. It was built kind of across from where Reagan National is today, with its Northern approach terminating about where TJ’s Memorial currently sinks into the Potomac Tidal Basin. The spot was chosen because it was assumed that nobody would ever want to go near such a God-forsaken swamp. George II once remarked of the project and its mistakenly assumed permanent secrecy: “Heavens! Eveneth the savage red men goeth not there!” Were that it had stayed that way…

It’s not that the Colonials or the British had airplanes – they did not. Rather, the British, sometime during the mid-1600s, had the forethought to build airstrips in the event that self-propelled flying machines were re-invented sometime in the future. They choose remote locations in America so as not to arouse public suspicion. That, and I think they had some DOT budget to burn up. Spend it or lose it, right?

The whole scheme was the dying legacy of the last scientist of the Nuwaubian Moorish True Black Africans™ of Israeli Egypt. Previously cryo-frozen by the Romans, he was thawed and wakened by James VI in high hopes that he would share with the Crown some of that famed flying pyramid spaceship bullshit the Common Core history books push. To the King, he allegedly replied, “Nah Dawg. Crackas done stole our starship shit and lost ‘em. Y’all be waitin’ fo sum foo to run a law-moah injun [SIC] on a bedsheet at da beech sum deyz.” He continued, “But, I would be most happy to design for you a launch and landing space for just such craft.” And, he did.

By the time the great festivities of the War rolled around, all six aerodromes had been forgotten, each being submerged or else cluttered with discount outlets and fast food joints. The brave soldiers who “took” Hollaback Field, as it was originally called, didn’t know they were so doing. Instead, they were likely just looking to make change for the carwash. 

And, that’s the truth, the whole diversion, and nothing but a lie.

Next time, I think we shall examine the Southwestern Aztech-Spanish origins of those “nonexistent” nuclear-powered incineration rays, proffered without support during the death penalty phase at certain Nuremberg trials. That is, Trump Tweetin’ and the nukes don’t drop.

The Nukes did drop, legally speaking…